nothing to be worried about. just going through a little funk. so my mind is going on a self-doubt spree and my rational self is watching it, so what? so what if i want to drink hot chocolate and eat french toast a lot and hide out like a recluse for a few days? but i know something is going on when the dishes are not washing themselves and i find myself in my jammies till noon again. what to do when you are finding yourself in this situation…fight back. yeah, the punching gloves and the paintbrushes, get them out!

+ write about it
+ only do what you absolutely love
+ indulge your palette
+ change something, the bigger the better (minus chopping off all your hair)
+ get rid of the clutter, outside of your head too
+ a girls night out is definitely in order
+ remember how this happens every once and a while and you look back on it
a few days later and think that its not all that bad
+ stop the comparisions, just stop them right now
+ tickle max a few times
+ paint paint paint paint paint lots (hi jim)
+ have another mug of cocoa, just because you love you.

my shop has some new items…
decorative branches woo me.

i know that every serious artist wears all black, but there is none to be found in my closet right now. i feel like lightening up.

i see some hot cocoa and a trip to the bookstore in my future this evening…

In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me
an invincible summer.” (Albert Camus)

today has been sunny, inside and out. this morning i had to crash clean the house because a reporter from the daily press was coming over. during all the hullabaloo, i went upstairs to the office and drooled over the camera the photographer was using. he had marcus draping his arms over his flat panel monitor, grinning. i only peeked in for a moment. being the sweetie that m is, he tried to plug me into the article but i was hiding out in my studio, the sun felt so nice on my back! and i didn’t want to steal his thunder, after all. (grin grin) also i think the whole bit was about software blogs?

so tonight i need to gather an arsenal of makeup because i’m teaching the ladies at my church about beauty, girly girl stuff and the like. i just love being a girl.

then home to crash in bed for sure. italian stories will have to wait tonight, i was up till three a.m. soldering the edges of pearly buttons for some new charms. an experiment that i think is turning out quite nicely…

my new sewing kit from loloko! (everything is so darling.)

last night i dreamed about gourmet chocolate cupcakes with pink sprinkles. i slept very, very well. i woke to birds singing and the sun cascading warmly through our sheer white curtains. i’ve been chanting the past few days to myself, the people at the grocery store, max, and anyone who will listen that i am ready for spring. winter? been there, done that. no snow this year makes it less romantic to suffer through chilly weather. so i’m over it. i want to see if the bulbs i planted in the fall will peek through the soil. i want to unstack my pile of lightly colored skirts and show off my painted toenails. i want to smell fresh air.

but i’m patient. and the early morning sun went away and was replaced with a cold drizzle. keeping me inside again. some things that take me away like a travel:

city shoes by cin.

laura veirs serenading magnetized songs in repeat.

homemade whole wheat bread smeared with olive oil.

stealing kisses.

sometimes all it takes is a husband to shed some light onto your day.

because this day, today…it all felt so fuzzy. i was unable to focus on more than one task and keep up with my mental list of to-dos. i would begin something and my adorable little person just had an entirely different agenda. wake up to speed clean the house turned into a very dragged out bubble bath and dressing session. pull out the pilates mat and bust a move turned into pausing the workout three times for special toddler requests. sit down for a moment at my studio desk and a minute later, i’m putting down the jewelry pliers or scissors because there was juice to be poured. elmo in grouchland to be started. toys to be picked up, put away, taken out times a million and two. interrupted moments of three year old epiphanies like, “elmo’s not a monster! he’s just an elmo.” this is the norm with any toddler, but today somehow it was magnified and some crazy whining thrown into the mix gave it all that extra punch. things were demanded, not asked for. paper bag puppets, blocks and specially cut lunch sandwiches were just little blips in the max radar today…where normally the extra special fun would buy me some extra mommy points later, or at least twenty minutes of my own quiet moments.

so when my m called me on his way home, i filled his ear with how unaccomplished my day went. in he walks, tall and handsome with a hug. “wow, the house is really really clean, its nice.” yeah, i guess you’re right (looking around and seeing no piles in sight) the house *is* clean. “thanks for the dinner jenny, it was really delicious.” yes, that was a very good dinner that i made from scratch, with no leftovers in sight. hmmm… “are these the necklace pendants you made today? they turned out really cool.” did i make those today?

i love being married.

i once had this hand knit sweater that i bought at the salvation army in seattle. it had big chunky stitches that i poked my index finger through when i daydreamed through math class. it was my pillow on tired days when nothing else would do. and each morning that i put it on after i rolled out of bed, it would make me feel like me without fail. it was what i would have been if i were an article of clothing. it was the palest baby blue color and even though it shrunk to a funny shape after washing, i could always mold it back to fit my body. i miss my sweater, the comfort and familiarity it brought. i don’t know if i abandoned it one day or if it went missing. if anyone has seen it~please contact me.

for another tuesday. i always loved that when intelligent, wonderful people would ask if my twin brother and i were identical.

i always paused for a moment after that question, just to see if the obvious would present itself in my silence. to save them embarrassment when it dawned on them. but sometimes it didn’t. the funny thing is, my brother and i don’t look anything alike! and our personalities couldn’t be more different. he’s into cars and 80s music, and i’m into art and indie rock. my twin has more in common with our younger brother if there is to be twins in the family. both are studying to be dentists. both of them have gone to school together and lived near each other since we all left home. babies born within a few months of each other. they hang out often together and i just saw them for the first time in a long time during the holidays! so sometimes i think they might be the twins…

and then there was the question that was asked often too, “what is it like to have a twin brother?” well, i don’t know any different. but i’m sure glad that it isn’t different. it was nice to catch up late at night in my highly-off-limits-to-boys room about all the people we knew. it was nice being the same age during an incredibly awkward and mostly painful stage in life to discuss teachers, friends, classes, etc. and i think its rather awesome that we have the same birthday. when we were little, i remember willing some esp powers to come between us, we’d be in the back seat of the car and i’d ask him what color he was thinking of. and for a while it was fun to pretend we knew. but mostly, hes like my brother who is my same age. thats what having a twin brother is like.

i love that my mailman comes with at the same time everyday, one in the afternoon on the button. i can always tell if there is a magazine, package or just junk mail by the specific *plunking* sound of papers and envelopes falling through our front door slot. i was cleaning out my studio (piles! everywhere!) when i heard it. a package plunk through the slot. max is my retriever, running through the house to give me a beautifully decorated white giant envelope with mati style scribbles all over it. i actually welled up inside and a few gushes of tears…i’m sappy okay? i’ve been crushing on having this print in mati’s shop, but instead she brought it to me. for my birthday! i can’t wait to frame it this weekend and find the perfect spot for it in the dollhouse.

thank you mati!