fig newtons and v8, polaroid SX-70

i want to change my life, and i’m starting with my breakfast. lofty, even silly, but yes, it’s true. i once went through such a transformation and i need it again now more than ever. i want to continue with the excitement i’ve enjoyed this past year: lounging with a wild lioness, hiking in the brazilian rainforest petting toucans, photographing one of the world wonders, witnessing architectural masterpieces, connecting with different cultures, watching the shooting stars run into the rio de la plata … if you’ve been following our adventures, you know the list goes on. but sadly, i’m one of those people who are more prone to serious depression and have unfortunately had to go through it a few times. once you enter such darkness, you begin to fear the possibility of returning to it again and having it overtake your dreams. fun has hardly run out since coming home, but ever with a watchful eye to those times, i can feel the short amount of winter light and blahs allow for a relapse to creep in if i don’t prevent it. but what does that have to do with my breakfast?

in the past i have had issues with food and i don’t think this is uncommon for most americans. we’re a confused bunch, aren’t we? my brief history isn’t really plagued with diets typically intending to lose weight, but rather different selections of “good” and “bad” foods. treats that would make me feel better emotionally. no foods that would make me feel better emotionally. i have been a vegan, two different classifications of vegetarian, whatever slop is at the college cafeteria for lunch, nothing but peanut butter powerbars for breakfast and lunch, growing an all organic garden girl… and i’ve also been a serious sugar addict. okay, who am i kidding? i AM a serious sugar addict.

it wasn’t till years ago that i was a new bride finding myself in charge of my kitchen that i began to really search. around the same time i had come across a book at the library and i wanting to be in better shape (not lose weight) also debating whether or not to accept a modeling contract (that poor agent, trying so hard to convince that shy side of me…) well, i checked it out. what i thought would just improve my eating habits ended up changing my entire appearance, my moods, my level of concentration, and i’m convinced the very chemical makeup of my brain. i didn’t need to lost weight, but at least ten pounds just melted off my already skinny body in a few weeks all by itself. just by eating foods in their natural state, like human beings are meant to. my skin positively glowed which is a major feat in my gene pool! oh, the way my clothes fit. and waking up in the morning and not needing an alarm clock, just jumping out of bed like a superhero was amazing. i swear, there was a cape in invisible form, fluttering around me in those days. and having energy all the time. no more naps, no more late afternoon slumps! always a night owl, i was absolutely flabbergasted by this new phenomenon of getting up with the sun. and i loved being an early bird, absolutely relished being up before everyone else and doing so much more.

i know. just one of those is motivation enough, right? but i haven’t gotten to the best part – which was realizing that even in my early twenties, there was a tremendous vitality inside of me that had never been illuminated. i felt powerful, even invincible. i had never lived till finding that book, but it was just a good starting point that introduced me to a few simple ideas that many others recommend. i clearly remember being able to express myself better, articulate my desires and suddenly having all this courage to do things. things that i had never thought i was allowed to even think about. yeah. even though the bad events still came, i was far more equipped to deal with those stresses and emotional blows without feeling sadness overwhelm me. my mind opened up without the clouded fog of processed foods and chemicals and the next hit of sugar constantly nagging me like a broken record. all that garbage was replaced with a clarity and tranquility, it was as if another sense had been gifted to me. i was connected to creativity that just freely flowed. it was like i had more time in my days, more space in my head to pursue… well, life! i had to keep a pad of paper near my bed at night to write down all the ideas. they just kept coming. i truly believe that i was open to a power that is waiting around each of us, whispering and nudging us in the right directions if we just alert and listening. i think it’s the same still small voice that has nudged all the great men and women in history to do courageous things beyond their capabilities, and unless we’re prepared for it in body and mind, it’s a dim sound.

so wow, why have i waited so long to live this way if i recall that time so fondly? it’s nothing groundbreaking or expensive or terribly difficult or even new. i’ve just totally forgotten. busy eating empanadas in paradise, i wish i had a better excuse, but it’s been so long. i came across that book again while unpacking at our new place and now i’m revisiting those days. i’m reclaiming that special discernment i had, which loved to carefully curate the products in my kitchen shelf and enjoy eating them as much as i did selecting them. because as strange as it sounds, they weren’t just boxes i tossed in my cart or bunches of vegetables, but unlocked potential of what my life could be like.

this is scary to blog about because that old adage “practice what you preach” must come into play and those who know me offline may be able to call me out if i slip up. but that’s also why it’s exciting. once you put something out there in writing, it all goes into motion. and those who know me and unconditionally care about me will be able to support me. and if you knew a way to completely change your life, wouldn’t you want to put it into effect asap and tell all your friends?