Somehow, I am finding a crack in time with a two week old baby to blog for a few minutes. This space being a place of my own, I feel like I can’t move on with regular posts until I do say a little something here. I have so many messages and emails to reply to, I thought it would be a bit easier to update all who were concerned and curious as to what happened to me after we brought little Eli home. The doctors and nurses encouraged me to talk through it to make recovery easier. I think most people would assume that having a baby was enough, but really, I felt so amazing after having Eli. I remember saying to Mars a couple days afterward that couldn’t believe I had just had a baby I felt so incredible. Invisible even. And then a few days later, all hell broke loose – and we had to rush to the hospital. I won’t lie, IT WAS HELL. It ended up being the most traumatic night of our lives. But the bottom line is that we are through it! The worst is over, now I am just on the mend. And considering all that I went through, I feel remarkable. I’m doing well!
We’ll just leave all the details out, since there are so many. Writing through all my emotions is really therapeutic, and leaning on my incredible husband is better than therapy. I don’t even know where to even begin explaining what went on in those operating rooms and hours through the night and into the next day when I was lying there, wondering if I would get through everything and if the doctors would be able to figure it all out. Poor Marcus may have felt like a helpless bystander, but he just doesn’t realize how having his big gorgeous eyes in close proximity got me through the most painful parts. It’s not something I can just quickly generalize, it’s still so totally surreal that all of this could happen to one person, lasting so many grueling hours, already running on so little sleep and no food and just having given birth and all.
I’ve only told most of the details to my family and a couple girlfriends, and that’s about all I can relive for now. After it was all over, a nurse who worked at the hospital for over twenty years told me that she had never seen or heard anything like it. A whole crowd of doctors all came into my room the next day just to meet me. People from radiology came in to thank me for giving them the more excitement than they ever get. My case was being shown at nearby hospitals the next day as a learning tool for other medical professionals. I lived through a real life episode of house with the screaming drama of ER. I lost half the blood in my body. I’m alive!
We have amazing family and awesome friends. I feel a great part of my spirituality that had been in hibernation has been restored, partly due to being able to hold a newborn for the first time in years… mostly due to the fact that he is ours! I credit God for much, if not all of what I am able to withstand. I am still processing things. I still have a hard time sleeping at night, there are ups and downs, sure. It’s somewhat like having the worst nightmare of your life and having parts of it come back to you over and over again. But as life in full beautiful effect continues, I’m feeling all the horror of it beginning to fade quite rapidly. And finally, crowding out all the difficulties I might have is this decision I’ve made to not let this become me. This is an event that happened to me, it’s not something that I am identifying with. It’s not me. I really don’t want to be one of those women who tries to outdo everyone with their most gruesome birth (in this case, postpartum) story, but I’m grinning as I type this because from all the whoppers I’ve heard, I now trump them all. Yay?
Naw. Just grateful, for everything.
For all of you.
You know who you are.
What the hell happend to you? Sounds crazy and scary and awful! Did you go into some sort of shock, do you still have all of your parts? I am so glad you are okay! What would we all do without a Jenny! Grateful you are better.
I’m VERY glad to hear your trauma is over with and you are on the mend. Take your time doing so, don’t rush it. It sounds like you went through something a couple of my friends have also gone through. Be well!
Dear sweet friend of years past, I know I RARELY comment on any of your posts, but I have been keeping up with you. I’m so sorry you have had such a hard time. Know that we’re thinking about you and praying for you. Wish I could do more…
glad to know you are doing better
I sure love you, Jenny!
jenny. take your time. it sounds like you have really been on quite an emotional and physical journey. childbirth on it’s own is one hell of an experience, it can be beautiful, it can be traumatic, it can be empowering, it can be so many things- sounds like in addition to all of that, there was so much more.
i’m just so glad to hear that you are alright, even if you are still in the thick of recovery. hang in there, sweets, and love on that handsome family of boys you have :)
xo, jenny
Wow. I’m really curious as to what it was too…but I can imagine…I lost half my blood in January and had a really traumatic experience too…but this sounds way worse. And after just giving birth, you must really be exhausted. It took me a long time to feel back to normal and to have a strong immune system. I’ll be praying for you.
Jenny — You have an amazing way with words! One of the truths that we so often hear, but have a hard time understanding/believing is that God will never allow anything in our lives that we are not able to bear. Girl – you must be an amazingly strong woman! I know – a blessing and a curse! But through it all you are truly beautiful! What a legacy you’ll pass on to your kids! Praying for you!
Erica
so sorry you had to go though that, jenny! but your spirit, as always shines through it all.
millones y millones de besos para vos y toda la familia.
jenny, so glad to read you are on the up and up. God is good and has obviously worked miracles! wishing you a quick full recovery and lots more wonderful moments with your little one to help make the uncomfortable memories disappear.
jenny, i don’t know how to express through just the internet to let you know how relieved i am that you’re alright. i can’t imagine what traumatic experience it could have been but thank God you’re with your family and even blogging! sending lots of love and prayers.
Jenny,
Just wanted to know that you’ve been in my thoughts and prayers. I knew that something was going on, but had no idea how serious everything was.
I’m so sorry for all that you’ve been through, but so glad to hear that you are doing better…the cryptic Twitter updates were starting to alarm me! :)
I wish your family all the best!
Love you and God Bless!
Joy
Jenny, I don’t know what happened, but I think the important thing I do know is that you are okay, and are healing physically and mentally. Sending health thru the city to you xo
oh sweet girl… thank the heavens. my heart was aching not knowing what was going on – i am so, so, so relieved that you are on the mend and through that awful mess. sending you big hugs… xoox
Wow, I’m so glad that you are ok! It’s amazing that you have such a strong spirit and have been able to maintain a positive outlook on life and find some good after such a traumatizing event. Keep getting better!
oh, sweetheart. i’ve been thinking of you, due date buddy and hoping that you’re on the mend. we had a rough night after delivering alden, but it was nothing compared to what it sounds like you went through. i’m so glad you’re feeling better and taking on even more strength from the experience.
Oh my sweet Jen-Jen, I’d been thinking about you and was shocked to read about your experience. Sending you and your sweet family all my love and prayers for a speedy recovery.
xoxo, abee