Weekend, you finally made it. Time to do some of the following…
+ Hang out with my guys (see irresistibleness above)
+ Get a massage, or at least book it!
+ Pick up an easel I found on craigslist
+ Paint Paint Paint
+ Drop off all my rolls of film to get developed
+ Find some spiritual renewal at church
+ Finalize ring choices. (And no, it won’t be from Tiffany’s. It’s way better!)

Sneaking in a few minutes that I don’t have to share a little excitement bubbling inside of me.  The boys treated me to some major shopping for my big day, (woot!) and while we walked around in and out of shops feeling the sunshine on our faces, my thoughts kept turning giddy for the surprise Mars gave me earlier that morning.  A new wedding band to replace the ones that I no longer have.

If you didn’t hear the story: one was stolen by a heartless thief who broke into our (very safe and guarded) home in Uruguay while we were vacationing in Rio de Janeiro – the rascal(s?) ransacked our home and took everything, and sadly, my engagement band and his wedding band were part of that!  Then, to add to my bad luck, my wedding band was lost in the depths of heavy snow in Jackson Hole later that same winter while I was making giant forts and snowmen.  Never to be found.

You can imagine the kind of emotional significance that I attach to this object… what it represents, what it means to us.  Since then, I’ve just been sporting something temporary, switching between inexpensive costume jewelry that could pass as a band and having fun with the different ring personalities.  I never thought twice about getting a new one anytime soon.  He really surprised me.  We’re picking out something special and lasting and can’t wait to see it on my hand.

Have you ever lost jewelry that was meaningful to you? Would you be willing to share your story? I have a new project under wraps but I’m going to risk a little leak here by this call for stories- if you would like to be a part of it by sharing, let me know.

Okay. After a rough week, I’m ready for a weekend of festivities!  My twin brother is in town with his adorable family, so we get to celebrate our birthday together. Yes, our birthday.  I haven’t had a joint party with him since we were kids!  And if you are wondering, growing up with a twin brother was awesome.  Besides sharing auburn locks and birthdays, we get a kick out of intelligent, highly educated people asking the question, “Oh! You have a twin brother? Are you identical?”

Wait for it… Wait for it…

*

(p.s. Above photo is not new, but one of my favorites because of the special people around me at the time.  It is of Abby, at Cori’s place, holding a melt in our mouth mini cupcake by Nicolle.)

I love that the love of my life appreciates me so much.

I am pressed to think of a time when I have not felt validated in what I do, even when it may seem like no one else close to me is saying it, he will.

So back to resoluting.  Tonight I will let the sparkle of midnight be in celebration of growth.

“Keep your eyes on your dreams, however distant and far away. Live to see the miracles of repentance and forgiveness, of trust and divine love that will transform your life today, tomorrow, and forever.” -Jeffrey R. Holland

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Mars has many nicknames for me.  I love it when he chooses one of his many sweet synonyms for my real name and just throws it into conversation, as if they were my real identity, fact not fiction.  Say something often enough to a person and they may begin to believe it, I’ve heard, but I still can’t believe it.  I am his angel, he affectionately tells me.  And then he slips on a gold necklace to symbolize it.  I might never take these off.

What he doesn’t realize that this isn’t the first time he has given me wings.

Elias & I managed our first walk together at two and a half weeks old of teensy tiny-ness!

You are all so incredible, thank you.

I hope I don’t peak too much curiosity by posting such vague idea of what happened, I’ve really only told the story twice, and between all the changes of doctors, operating and exam and recovery rooms, nurses and procedures, I’m really the only one who rode through it all, who knows all the details in full effect – and yet even from this first person perspective I had, it was too surreal and so hard to believe that I don’t really know how to share it.  Plus, it’s super gory.   I’m a little faint just thinking of it.  My eyes were swollen shut by the end of it from crying so much from the pain, the fear of the unknown, etc. So I feel like I didn’t even “see” every moment of it, but experienced it from some other level that I didn’t know I had in me.

Being home with Elias from day one, my first thought was LET’S DO IT AGAIN. (How many new Moms think that way, seriously? Hahaha.)  And you know what? I still feel that enthusiasm.  Making babies and art, it’s what I love in all chambers of my soul, it’s what I was made for.  I am blessed to have such a connection with this new baby and able to anticipate and read his needs, he’s been so easy, the labor and delivery was so wonderful, I don’t think this aspect is a coincidence, after all, he is our miracle baby.

I posted about the traumatic experience here because it felt like I would be ignoring it if I didn’t, and from previous experience, repressing situations like this extends them for longer periods of time, and I don’t want that! But I do feel ready to move on now, I already am. I don’t want to dwell on it.  I guess maybe others in my situation would take more comfort in retelling the experience as much as possible, but I feel like I’ve gotten that out of my system pretty quickly, hopefully not too quickly.  Like all horrific things in life, my mind is already blocking it all out! I think that’s probably a good thing.

So I felt I needed to post here not to get everyone all curious, but to help me move on.  There is a lot more writing going on, constantly, day and night, in my own journal, and it’s really getting me through this.  And I can’t say it enough, a super thanks for all your words of encouragement and visits and notes and love, it means so much to me, you guys might not ever know how much.  I’m happy to be in the moment, today, right now.

So next, onto more lighthearted, regular programming…

♥ Besos.

Somehow, I am finding a crack in time with a two week old baby to blog for a few minutes.  This space being a place of my own, I feel like I can’t move on with regular posts until I do say a little something here.  I have so many messages and emails to reply to, I thought it would be a bit easier to update all who were concerned and curious as to what happened to me after we brought little Eli home. The doctors and nurses encouraged me to talk through it to make recovery easier.  I think most people would assume that having a baby was enough, but really, I felt so amazing after having Eli. I remember saying to Mars a couple days afterward that couldn’t believe I had just had a baby I felt so incredible. Invisible even. And then a few days later, all hell broke loose – and we had to rush to the hospital. I won’t lie, IT WAS HELL. It ended up being the most traumatic night of our lives. But the bottom line is that we are through it!  The worst is over, now I am just on the mend.  And considering all that I went through, I feel remarkable.  I’m doing well!

We’ll just leave all the details out, since there are so many.  Writing through all my emotions is really therapeutic, and leaning on my incredible husband is better than therapy.  I don’t even know where to even begin explaining what went on in those operating rooms and hours through the night and into the next day when I was lying there, wondering if I would get through everything and if the doctors would be able to figure it all out.  Poor Marcus may have felt like a helpless bystander, but he just doesn’t realize how having his big gorgeous eyes in close proximity got me through the most painful parts.  It’s not something I can just quickly generalize, it’s still so totally surreal that all of this could happen to one person, lasting so many grueling hours, already running on so little sleep and no food and just having given birth and all.

I’ve only told most of the details to my family and a couple girlfriends, and that’s about all I can relive for now.  After it was all over, a nurse who worked at the hospital for over twenty years told me that she had never seen or heard anything like it.  A whole crowd of doctors all came into my room the next day just to meet me.  People from radiology came in to thank me for giving them the more excitement than they ever get.  My case was being shown at nearby hospitals the next day as a learning tool for other medical professionals.  I lived through a real life episode of house with the screaming drama of ER. I lost half the blood in my body. I’m alive!

We have amazing family and awesome friends.  I feel a great part of my spirituality that had been in hibernation has been restored, partly due to being able to hold a newborn for the first time in years… mostly due to the fact that he is ours! I credit God for much, if not all of what I am able to withstand.  I am still processing things. I still have a hard time sleeping at night, there are ups and downs, sure. It’s somewhat like having the worst nightmare of your life and having parts of it come back to you over and over again.  But as life in full beautiful effect continues, I’m feeling all the horror of it beginning to fade quite rapidly.  And finally, crowding out all the difficulties I might have is this decision I’ve made to not let this become me. This is an event that happened to me, it’s not something that I am identifying with. It’s not me. I really don’t want to be one of those women who tries to outdo everyone with their most gruesome birth (in this case, postpartum) story, but I’m grinning as I type this because from all the whoppers I’ve heard, I now trump them all.  Yay?

Naw. Just grateful, for everything.

For all of you.

You know who you are.

Elias Gray

Born July 3rd, welcomed into the world with open arms and hearts!  Our joy is boosted higher as an underlying sadness for baby desires long unfulfilled melt away with relief every second he is here.  (Constantly playing in my head: We get to keep him!) Motherhood truly is an eternal privilege of cherishing the most beautiful work(s) of art one can ever hope to have a hand in creating.  Nothing can top this. Thank you to family and friends for all the support and love, we can’t wait for all of you to meet him!

I’m about to embark on the most creative act a woman can dream of, though I’ve been in the process for the past nine months, this is the finale.  Drumrolls please… better than having a painting displayed at the MOMA, an award winning book or film, songs topping the charts or debuting at fashion week… having a baby is the ultimate expression of beauty that an artist (that anyone!) could dream of.

Many of you have been asking, so I thought I’d give a little update… don’t get too excited, but we’re in that transition stage of our second baby coming!  Which means that he could show up any moment now, or that it could be several more days. Which is vague and suspenseful and it’s hardly possible to concentrate on anything or plan much in the meantime.  Feels like I’m on standby for a really great destination – bags packed, house clean, arrangements made for our little seven year old, all ready… but will we ever get there? (I’m telling myself over and over that the answer is yes!) I can’t really believe it, it’s been so long and even though there is no doubt we are almost there, I don’t think it will be real until I’m holding him.  Close friends and family know that we’ve waited years for this new addition in our lives, so each hour that passes by just means one stride closer to finally meeting this sweet little bundle.  Cross your fingers for us!